Have you ever been referred to as a ‘bore’? Ever been told to ‘come out anyways, it’ll be a laugh’…. ‘have a drink you’ll be fine’? Ever scrolled through the mess in your head and attempted to tell someone what you’re thinking and had them say ‘same’ or just simply ignore your issue and talk about themselves? Finally, ever actually had someone ask you what’s wrong and not had a clue how to answer them? Yeah. me too.
I’m the person people expect a laugh out of, I’m the one that forever says something daft, I’m never serious, there’s always a punch line. But that’s me on the outside, that’s the person I choose to show to everyone because for years I’ve been moulded into that person, it’s just what everyone expects. I think (not to sound conceited) no one would ever think I’d be anything other than that, why would I? I’m constantly told I’m intelligent, I have a bright future ahead of me. That doesn’t mean my present isn’t dark. I’m at University, I have a job, I have a social life, I work out. I don’t fit into societies idea of someone who cries themselves to sleep, someone who can feel alone in a crowded room (granted I feel anxious in a crowded room but that’s a whole different thing). You’d never think I suffered with depression if you weren’t one of the handful of people that know I do. If you’ve only ever seen me laugh and joke with people rather than seen me on the floor, struggling to breathe because my insecurities mean I can’t leave my bedroom.
I know I’m not the only person that has felt this way.
Whether that’s the numbness depression can bring or the way your brain shuts down when faced with the option to talk about what’s wrong. It can hold you down, it can hold you back. But that doesn’t mean it WILL. If you asked me maybe 3 and a half years ago what happens to me when I feel down, my answer would be that of a societal definition. I’d stay in bed, I would withdraw from friends, family, I wouldn’t go to work, I’d forget that my A-levels where actually happening. I’d be my own black hole. Destroy anything good around me. I didn’t listen too much in physics, but there’s more than one type of black hole. There’s more than one way depression can impact a life. Don’t always assume mass destruction.
That’s the past RJ, what happens now? Now? I know its an illness, I know how to manage it, I know when I can push myself and I know when to give myself a break. I know the symptoms, I have my own personal way to treat it. I spent the entire week revising and pushing myself, that’s self growth. What does my mind do? Tell me its irrelevant, its futile to try. So what do I do. I give myself a day, I can go from being so busy one day to doing nothing for a whole day because as bizarre as it may seem to some people I NEED to live my life like that sometimes. Ever heard people say that a bag, for example, gets heavier the longer you hold onto it? My moods work like that, the harder I try to be happy and push myself the more that blackness can creep in. Sometimes you just have to put the bag down for a little bit. And when you pick it up it won’t seem as heavy and you’ll probably find you can hold it for longer each time. Everyone has limits. People can reach a point were they’re not okay and you need to take time for yourself. That doesn’t make you weak, doesn’t mean you won’t be successful and don’t believe for a second that it means your universe is coming down.
I’m not a doctor, I can’t tell you how to help yourself I can simply tell you what works for me, I can tell you that as bad or as low as you feel there’s a way out. It may not always feel that way and I understand that, I have the scars to remind myself that I can get through it. I may not be the same person I was when I was younger, before I had to grow up, before I had to face my demons, the things that crept up on me and held me down. But I’m better for it, I like who I am now, I like my scars. NEVER EVER be ashamed of the things you’ve done to survive, the things you’ve done to keep yourself afloat. Because it’s your life, its your world.
Depression can be that thing that stops you, it can devour your universe. But guys, this isn’t physics and unlike a black hole you’re not set on one path. Just because things are imploding doesn’t mean the positives can’t explode back into your life.
Past… present.. what’s the other one? FUTURE. I think for some people this last one can be the hardest one to consider. I’ve said that unlike physics you can prevent mass destruction, you can stop yourself becoming a black hole. Now if you were to reverse the process have a black hole as your past and a star a your future.
Every day you see the sun in the sky (I live in the North of England, personally I see rain and clouds). Moreover, basic scientific logic allows us to know the sun will be there to be the light in the day. If there’s anything anyone takes from this is that you can be your own sun, you can be a star. If you ever feel like your life has darkness in it just remember where that comes from. Darkness is an absence of light, something is disrupting, preventing light from shining through. You’ve just got to get to it. A black hole can’t exist without the initial presence of light. When that light starts to go, take it right back. Don’t get me wrong I’m not saying its as easy as I am actually making it seem. I’m saying it’s possible. I’m saying reach for the stars and don’t settle for less because you will blinded by the things you can achieve even on what you think is your darkest day.
If you’re reading this and the questions I asked at the start of this blog relate to you, or any topics covered relate to you then I have some advice:
- You can’t live your life for other people, do it for yourself.
- Be mindful; understand yourself.
- Sustainability; take care of yourself
- Outreach; talk about yourself, get that negativity out of you.
I’ve said in a previous post that I’m so thankful for the support I get from readers and being privileged enough to have this platform available to me. I just wanted you guys to know it works both ways, if you need that support I’m always an option via my socials, or contact me via this post.
Rebecca Jayne xo